Stanley Spencer

Like every other red-blooded heterosexual man, Stanley Spencer liked lesbians. But most don't like them enough to actually marry one.

Spencer was a brilliant Realist painter and an innovator- this cannot be denied. Francis Bacon, Philip Pearlstein and Lucian Freud should at the very least give him a pound of flesh each. But throughout the last century he's been the butt of many jokes- mainly for two reasons.

For one, he was from the small village of Cookham in southern England. He referred to Cookham as "a village in Heaven." Except for during his World War I service, when he was stationed in Greece, he never really left Cookham. While attending the Slade School of Art in London he commuted back to Cookham by train each day. He once introduced himself to Chinese premier Zhou El-lai with the words, "Hello, I'm Stanley from Cookham." Hey- there's probably never been a human being who was as endeared to their hometown as Stanley Spencer was to Cookham. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, also an extremely religious man, his early paintings involved scenes from Christian history happening right there in Cookham.

Stanley Spencer, Resurrection Cookham. 1924, oil on canvas. According to orthodox Christians, if you didn't know, in the end times Jesus shall return to Earth and the dead will rise from their burial places to follow Him. Well, I think that's the way I understand it anyhow. I'm Catholic, and we always learned that this is why you shouldn't be cremated- then your body can't rise from the dead like a zombie when Jesus gets here. (I always wondered what happens to those poor folks who are burned to death in car crashes and such.)

And yes, then there was his second, uh, marriage. In 1937 he divorced his wife of twelve years and four days later married Patricia Preece, a lesbian whom he had become infatuated with and who became his model and muse. Patricia was already in a relationship at the time; she went on her honeymoon with her same-sex partner while Spencer hung around in Cookham. They never lived together as husband and wife either, though he always kept her in jewelry and furs.

Stanley Spencer, Nude (Patricia Preece). 1935, oil on canvas. Spencer was a Realist who liked pointing out human imperfections (and sometimes even exaggerating them) in his figurative work. But damn Stanley, did you have to make one nipple that much bigger than the other? Grrross.

Spencer also depicted the essence of the marriage (and his attitudes towards it) in some of his other works:

Stanley Spencer, Self Portrait with Patricia Preece. 1936, oil on canvas.

Stanley Spencer, Double Nude Portrait- The Artist with His Second Wife. 1937, oil on canvas.

Now who does nude self-portraits? The German Expressionists did. Several sexual lib freaks that I knew back in art school did. But the only British Realist who did was Stanley Spencer. And that speaks volumes.

You can look at these paintings and really see who's wearing the pants here. Spencer was in an emasculating situation- he'd entered into a marriage that was never even consummated. It was his own fault. Who on Earth would marry someone who didn't find them sexually attractive just because of their gender? Yep, Spencer was a whipped man. You usually have to be getting some in order to actually be whipped. I told you he was an innovator. (If you were wondering what was in it for Patricia, it was the money.)

Stanley and Patricia never divorced, but he did at several times beg his ex-wife for forgiveness. I guess you can break it down easily- this was one sad dude.